Leading up to Monday’s Game 1, Puck Daddy is previewing every facet of the Stanley Cup Final between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the San Jose Sharks — on the ice and off the ice.
Who has the better beards in the Stanley Cup Final? This video says it all.
Arm in arm, the beards move on pic.twitter.com/Jh2ZnCIkLE
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) May 13, 2016
There is no question that Joe Thornton and Brent Burns win the beard contest hands down. No one on the Penguins comes remotely close to those two beauties. Plus, they’ve been growing their beards for a majority of the season. It’s just not fair.
For the sake of this post, we have to look at some of the other Penguins and Sharks in a head to head battle to see whose facial hair reigns supreme.
Up first, the captains: Sidney Crosby vs. Joe Pavelski.
Pavelski has one beautiful strawberry blonde beard. The center hails from the state of Wisconsin, where the winters require a thick face blanket to survive. Our friends Chuck and Pants coined the phrase ‘lumbersexual’ when it comes to beards and it is more than appropriate for Pavs.
For a majority of his career, Sid has been maligned for his inability to grow facial hair. For years, he rocked a mustache that made him look like a teenager trying to pass for 21-years-old in order to buy beer.
Now he’s let his facial hair grow, and it simply doesn’t make sense. Look at him. You can see the hair, but somehow, it’s see-through.
Next, the goalies: Matt Murray vs. Martin Jones.
Goaltenders are unique when it comes to beards. We don’t really see their faces all that often, so watching their beard progress is difficult.
Murray is 22-years-old so we give him credit for being able to grow a beard without significant patches. Yet, like his captain, he too looks like a kid trying to buy beer with a fake ID. The forehead acne will give you away every time.
With the exception of some stray hairs, Jones is rocking a polished hipster beard seen at your neighborhood Whole Foods. We wouldn’t be entirely surprised if he rocks skinny jeans under his goaltending pads.
Pascal Dupuis vs. Patrick Marleau is not as much of a battle as it is a discovery…
These two are separated at (beard) birth, right down to their caterpillar eyebrows.
Yes, Dupuis is not playing; however, as an emotional off-the-ice leader for the Penguins, he is an important part of the team. For a couple games in the St. Louis series, Marleau didn’t seem like he was playing either, so it works.
The only advantage Dupuis has over Marleau is the thick head of French-Canadian hair. Marleau is a little bit thinner up top. Beard wise, they’re almost identical.
Finally, Evgeni Malkin and Tomas Hertl get a special award for their attempt at playoff facial hair.
It’s the first ‘What The F— Facial Hair’ Award in Puck Daddy History.
Both men are rocking thick-ish mustaches and soul patches. From there, it’s all a mess.
Geno’s ‘stache is thick yet unkept. has some sort of chinstrap mutton chop that gives up on growing right an inch between connecting the two sides. Whatever is happening on his chin is a mystery. Perhaps his facial hair just gave up on its will to grow.
Hertle has some nice growth on his chin, but the patches on his cheeks kill any momentum. We do applaud him for the nicely shaped mustache, but this is a beard world. He’s only 22-years-old, he has plenty of time to learn about beards from the vets on his team.
Overall, if Pittsburgh wants to make any dent in the San Jose beard game, they’re going to need to start slathering on the Rogaine on their faces immediately.
Looking ahead, the Penguins should take a page out of Burns and Thornton’s playbook next year, and just grow the facial hair all season. It appears to have been the good luck charm the Sharks needed to cast out their playoff demons of years past. If it works and Lord Stanley’s Cup ends up in San Jose, we’d fully expect the uber-superstitious Sid and company to follow the trend next season.